It starts with a lie

I was hurt. That's how all stories of healing start out. I was hurt, badly. Circular thinking led me to believe that it was my fault, that I deserved it, that it was my punishment. That thinking never brought me anywhere good. In fact, that kind of thinking kept me hurting for a lot longer than necessary. The object of my ire, the reason for my pain for the last ten years has been "Church-People," not Christians, as I differentiated them in my mind. Church-People are the modern day Pharisees who took pleasure in their judgments of me and my sin. They are the ones who kick the broken when they are down, and I was low. They caused me this pain. They did this to me! But, of course, they didn't. Although, the Phariseeical actions of a few certainly added to the whole mess. Sin, it's what makes hurting people hurt people.

But I am getting ahead of myself. You see, I thought it was the hurt that really started this journey, but it wasn't. It was the lies. The lies consumed my life and dictated every choice I made. Lies that included fallacies like God doesn't love you, because you are damaged beyond repair. Your husband really does love you despite the emotional abuse, the mental abuse, the neglect, and complete lack of affection. These "Church-People" friends only want what's best for you. There is something inherently wrong with you, your personality, your ideas, the way you think, and the very core of who you are all the way down to how you butter your toast. The list of lies went on and on...
Ultimately there was only one lie that Satan used on me, one effective and terrible lie.

YOU ARE UNLOVABLE. 

I spend a lot of time in my head. I am an introvert, and I can't help it. I spend a great deal of that time in deep introspection. I am prone to repairing broken things, improving what can be improved, and general progress. That's my mind's slant. I kept coming back to this lie of being unlovable, it became the drumbeat of my heart. I tried everything I could to fix me. I changed the way I spoke, what I ate and drank, who I associated with (at the expense of some very dear friends), who I emulated, my whole world view. I became very good at playing this role, so good in fact that I began to believe that this person who I played was me. And yet I felt more empty and filled with lies than ever before. I wasn't me. I was a shell of a former person, not a bad person, just a different person. I didn't know or like who I was becoming. In my mind, I was choosing this path so that I could be who I really wanted to be.  And all I wanted was to be loved. If this was what it would take for me to be loved, then so be it. I'll be someone else. Maybe then I'll be loved. The lies that started it all.

  

              "But God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8